Yes – you should quit golf and take up cycling!

I notice that the golfing community is running around in a panic as the affluent middle-aged men decide to leave the non-environmentally friendly sport of golf and take up cycling.

Its a last-gasp cry of desperation as they watch their exorbitant club and green fees dry up and be channeled into a sport that actually gets you outdoors in an active way.

Why should you leave golf? Its simple:

The Future of the Planet Depends on it. 2 giga-zillion litres of water are poured out over golf courses every 14 seconds. You can check those facts if you don’t believe me…. That’s enough water to float 477 Nimitz Class aircraft carriers. I’m no environmental expert – but it seems an awful waste of water to wastefully pour on the ground – only to shave the grass really short so that a small white ball can roll  across it evenly. The water isn’t even being used for agriculture or growing crops for starving babies in Sudan and Afghanistan. Its capitalism at its worst! Animals cant even live near golf courses – despite the 400 billion hectares that golf courses take up in pristine environments around the world. Want to kill a Panda? Just tee off – that gesture alone probably puts 3 exotic birds on the RED endangered list….

That’s right – just drain the worlds most valuable resource all over the most unproductive land on the planet… A golf course. I’m surprised the United Nations hasn’t banned this kind of Natural and Human Rights Malpractice.

You Get FAT: So you could’ve at least walked around for the day. Walking is good and healthy. But golfers are even too lazy for that. Instead, they buy these ridiculous electronic carts so that their fat asses can be carried from one ball hit to another. Guys – you took a swing at a ball. Its not like you need to recover until you do it again!

This picture just says so much. I actually don’t need a caption – just look at it.
What the fu(k is going on here? Its like stock car racing meets fox hunting meets fat people shopping at Walmart day! Wow…

Broken Homes: The calling of the 19th hole…man, after driving that stupid cart around for the day you must really have worked up a sweat and are ready….no – DESERVE – those 7 beers and big steak dinner! Never mind that you’ve been gone since 6am and missed your sons rugby match and daughters dance recital. Feeling like a man yet? I’m sure there comes a point when your wife takes one look at you as you walk into the house at 10pm, pissed, yelling: “I got a par on the 3rd hole!” and decides – fuck it. I’m outta here. Don’t let this stupid game destroy functional families, you selfish bastard.

I fear his WASPy chauvinist exclusive days at the limited access Club are numbered.

Think About What You’re Doing: No really. The principle of golf is absurd. You’re tapping a white ball around short grass to get it into a hole. Would anyone on the planet miss golf if it disappeared tomorrow? Because it adds no value to man or beast, golf could easily be filed into the archive of “Stupid Shit We Used To Do” and be forgotten.

Golf Courses in the desert. Looking back, probably not the most value-adding exercise we’ve ever embarked upon. And about as sustainable as a porcupine playing with a balloon.


Like what you see? Apart from it being the height of artificial landscaping, its also off-limits to you. Because you need to pay big RONDTS to get access here my friend.

Cycling does have its faults. Admittedly. But compared to golf its a saintly pursuit…

At least with cycling we’re looking after the planet by becoming more aware of nature and preserving it. Our impact is very low…and we appreciate the natural beauty on offer around us.

We also get lean and mean and fit in the process.

Cycling can take time, this we know – but we all know its far less than golf. A whole morning is considered a very long ride! 3 hours is a good ride!

And cycling as an activity not only keeps us fit and competitive, it moves people from A to B in the most efficient manner possible. It serves a purpose, is accessible to all, and can be taught fairly easily. Its not exclusive and we can ride just about anywhere we like!

The only thing we have in common with golfers is our ridiculous outfits. And long may the desire to do and wear crazy things live! Here I respect golfers because some of their clothing is awesome.

Crap pose. But great patterns!

Cash Crusaders wants your clubs. Take them there now before they’re worth nothing.

P.S. Some of my best cycling friends used to be golfers. And they’re OK guys. But they’re happier now and they still get to spend a lot of money (and I mean A LOT of money) on their hobby. And you don’t even need to be handicapped to cycle. In fact, a good handicap probably won’t set you up as a good cyclist. But hey – if it gets you good parking, go for it.

Disclaimer: The water consumption and land usage statistics may vary. I don’t even know if we have a metric unit such as a ” giga-zillion”. But I think I’m close! 🙂

Rens Rezelman

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